My little one

My little one loves to have fun before the day is done and the night takes the sun
climbing trees, running around the breeze and most active activities
sometimes he cries and sometimes he just wants to read
I listen to his wants and needs and in case he falls and scrapes his knees
I sit with him and his upset
he reminds me of curiosity and the importance of recess
My little one has an imaginary friend named DJ
they play, in a marching band that stands in the rafters
his favorite sound is giggles and laughter
his favorite food is tacos and those big bowls of ice cream on hot summer days

My little one listens to my pains and aches
and takes time to let me know it is ok to make mistakes
he has dreams of growing up to be an important successful man
even though these are things he really doesn’t understand
He does what he can
He likes to play basketball with friends
and explore the forest behind his house
sometimes him and his friends pretend to be a tyranasorous or a mouse

My little one is pretty smart and has a really big heart
he feels responsibly for everything that he starts
and I remind him that not everything needs to be finished
he can change him mind in a few hours or in a few minutes
not everything is set in stone
he doesn’t have to always be right because he does know everything that is known
next year he is going to ride his bike to school
My little one makes me proud and I think he is pretty cool

When I am on my way to work sometimes I get a smile and a smirk
thinking of the old days and memories playing so joyful and happy
that boy still lives inside me and I start peddling my bike a little faster
I can go back and relive, re imagine and re connect
anytime I want to check on my little one and look after
my little one has tried to protect me and now I get to be there for him
a best friend that lives within and inside, I am glad he is still alive

The come up

She spread wings to skies known to few
shed the shell of what she had been through
holding worlds together with a glue
of truth spoken into action.
Those who knew the effort
could not question the true grit and traction
clever quibbles and poetic wiggles
cannot paint the aesthetic ripples of effect from the struggles she overcame
of troubles that only know one’s name with no where else for blame

From this distance she came from shame to grace,
from flame to an aim most cannot place.
I honor you for all that you have framed to never have things be the same in time or space.

Love yourself

Love yourself, love your Higher Power, love others
in that order, all together
Rediscover what you have known all along,
the connections are strong, even when you feel you don’t belong
it is here with you, even when you think it is gone
loving yourself in all tendencies and tenderly
confidence and esteem to manage integrity,
practices help with consistency
Mindful meditation, empathy and care for others in recovery
The stories are all the same with a slight change
we are all on the same spectrum in a different range,
things can be re-wired in the brain,
it takes time, patience and the ability to abstain
gratitude for the haves and have nots
attitude less on the wants but to want not

As we sought through prayer to be more aware
of a higher power’s care
we can fire the old God sitting in his chair
and hire a new one who listens to you share
write a dialogue,
prepare for when in need of guidance
God and goodness speak to us in silence

Love others through loving yourself
recognize you have a hidden golden Buddha of wealth
In the search for meaning, the hand we are dealt
is what we are receiving and nothing else
we are the container, not the ice that melts
so no matter what you’re filled with or how you fill
love others, love your higher power
and above all else love yourself

waiting patiently

This world awaits your new self

It awaits for you to find that which you already have

When you awaken, your joys would not seem as great as your suffering
realizing that they both were necessary for the path to be formed of your journey

listen to the divine patience and compassion of silence
It calls to you and your inner voice
this emotional immaturity cries for love out of natural selfishness

feed this child the selfless compassion you would share with a struggling friend

This world awaits your new self
This world will wait patiently

May there be peace and love and perfection throughout all creation

“I believe in God”
“God believes in me”

Words spoken in the mind during a meditation retreat.

“This is my reality”
“This is my ultimate reality”
“I have compassion for my ultimate reality”

Beliefs instilled deep within the roots of my veins

“This is happiness”
“Enjoy this moment”
“Nothing is more or less important than right now”

Values created through repetition
Learning of a new order and form

“Thank you for today”
“I am grateful”
“I am grateful for this, right now”

Gentle smiles of flickering light
straightened posture
Awaiting the gift of insight
while removing expectations

The silence and stillness and quiet
transforms

I found something more powerful than power,
compassion

Before the alarm – The daily regimen

Before the alarm at 3:50
I make the first decision to get up and get ready
pray to God I have the energy
pray for friends, family and society
make coffee
read pages 86-88 in the Big Book, upon awakening

Water the plants
Go online to manage the plans and check in with my clan
start the poetry slam practice
should be figuring out delivery and memory
but I only want creative brainstorming for breakfast
Fast for the morning and the late evening
Gotta stay fast and quick
used to use the bic pen
now the keyboard is my best friend
he’s more slick, I think, than the ink

the gym opens at 5, leave by 4:45
stretch and then 5 miles makes me feel high
back at home, shower and meditation
my dome gets power from letting go of frustration
and sinking into blinking concentration
fleeting as the thoughts that get caught in respiration

Reading of recovery, of psychology of philosophy
of anything that sets the mind free
flavored with possible journaling

lastly the prep of what is to come
where will direction come from?
how will challenges be approached?
can today be the best that I could invoke?

Ready for work,
my 9-5 starts at 8, after 4 hours of prep
Yep, escaping is no longer interesting
I’d rather get deep into relating and connecting
there is no where to run and no where to hide
Coming alive, finding stride, picking up others when going by

The Distinct Circles take Shape

The circles have become more distinct
Chaos and Order
feelings and how to think
to move forward, sometimes we must retreat
to move past lust, sometimes we need to trust in defeat

Powerlessness takes a seat
next to the hope we keep, hidden deep
brought to light
money can’t buy recovery’s fight
neither ought we take this to spite
but in respite we might find the spirit right

The heights and lows would compose
our matrix of columns and rows
a journey from the camp light’s glow
Memory must resonate from the past
but only enough so we may participate in the present’s path

As the future beckons to the water
with paddles and a raft
the usual becomes discomfort
in being more capable of satiating hunger

Close conversations between a sponsor and a sponsee
spawning the beautiful fruit
of the truth that will set us free

Who knew what we could be?
Changing attitude, belief or identity
be free and happy in serenity
take a moment to capture this in memory
maintenance requires the constant energy,
in the present tense to take reality seriously
the beauty of dreams is things don’t need to be as they seem
-indefinitely

From Shame to Grace
lifting eyes to their proper place
My fellowship knows these pains and aches
brief moments to the sustained strain of mistakes
substance of a higher power is what it takes
finding new ways to make pleasure out of taste

This endeavor might take forever
but it wouldn’t be a waste
My sisters and brothers keep my faith
whispers soft enough to stay safe
these distinct circles lay out the tape
Chaos and Order
feelings and thoughts
that we love and hate
The distinct circles take shape

Fading to Pain

Suffering has been so regular
I am pretty sure they know my order

Disorder and chaos
big brothers that watch my cross to bare
dig deeper than the hole that could fit my soul’s stare

Hold this patience with care
where you look for the beloved
beware of being aware of the summit
it too has a valley
I never took time to enjoy being empty
until I realized I cannot be constantly filling

Money, Career and Education
have all faded back behind my spiritual participation
nay
my spiritual obligation
if I cannot be fit to exist
then why try to see where else can I benefit

fists balled up in rage
opened to calm palms that turn a page
Tomorrow is today
The universe is always beginning now
where allowed
value all the you can endow
how bout letting it out with a growl

sleep with ease young child
count your breathes and see what else can be left
love is an unknown depth

Vulnerability

2 years of exploration into the depths of the human soul

The first time I sat in the room I felt like a snail without a shell
someone who had crawled out from under a rock
I was scared of my own shadow
Sitting still wasn’t something I was familiar with

There were 12 steps written on the walls
There were smiling faces of people who were happy
I didn’t understand how they could not be suffering like I was

years later I see their faces of courage
in my lap is a piece of notebook paper covered with writing
The entire page is filled from an hour of scribbling

The page contains my life
well, it contains my life in regards to suffering
in regards to addiction

I opened the meeting with promises met
followed by a series of nasty habits that have concluded

Then I started at the beginning
vulnerability of the ultimate truth in my experience
Strength and hope were my intention

Heart break, bail bondsmen and lawyers
hospitals, rehab and homelessness

depression, anxiety, insanity, insecurity

vulnerability

until recovery

Daily phone calls, meetings, literature reading
exploration of the soul
restoration of the whole
dedication to the goal.

By the time I was done
this burden has been lifted
vulnerability has allowed me to be gifted
to fear nothing that has ever existed

There still is the unknown but I wake up everyday
the face this with courage

Life never felt so good

I don’t remember feeling this way
every morning and night, every day
It’s strange, how the strain on my brain has been lifted
The present has become a gift that bring uniqueness

I never got this high on drugs consistently
there was always a perpetual drop as was its propensity
now there is love and beauty in every second of existence’s intensity,

People call me, we talk recovery
we talk of spiritual malady,
we take stock of the daily insanity
and bring compassion to reality with a remedy

I wake before the alarm,
the cool calm streets are charming
my small empty garden is calling for farming
the leaves need sweeping
I grieve for the beloved’s teachings

For a thousand years I have been knocking
only to find I was knocking from the inside
The design is to hold everything inside
The plan is to break out of doubt to clarity

The Buddhist say the mind is not a mirror that needs cleaning
it is essentially void and pure so how could dust be collecting?

never before have I felt power get much higher
sever the separation of pleasure and desire
water, earth, wind and fire
with this energy how could we tire?
pry the will open like a fence with barbwire
This serenity can be acquired
by wearing an entire attire as an amplifier