May there be peace and love and perfection throughout all creation

“I believe in God”
“God believes in me”

Words spoken in the mind during a meditation retreat.

“This is my reality”
“This is my ultimate reality”
“I have compassion for my ultimate reality”

Beliefs instilled deep within the roots of my veins

“This is happiness”
“Enjoy this moment”
“Nothing is more or less important than right now”

Values created through repetition
Learning of a new order and form

“Thank you for today”
“I am grateful”
“I am grateful for this, right now”

Gentle smiles of flickering light
straightened posture
Awaiting the gift of insight
while removing expectations

The silence and stillness and quiet
transforms

I found something more powerful than power,
compassion

Before the alarm – The daily regimen

Before the alarm at 3:50
I make the first decision to get up and get ready
pray to God I have the energy
pray for friends, family and society
make coffee
read pages 86-88 in the Big Book, upon awakening

Water the plants
Go online to manage the plans and check in with my clan
start the poetry slam practice
should be figuring out delivery and memory
but I only want creative brainstorming for breakfast
Fast for the morning and the late evening
Gotta stay fast and quick
used to use the bic pen
now the keyboard is my best friend
he’s more slick, I think, than the ink

the gym opens at 5, leave by 4:45
stretch and then 5 miles makes me feel high
back at home, shower and meditation
my dome gets power from letting go of frustration
and sinking into blinking concentration
fleeting as the thoughts that get caught in respiration

Reading of recovery, of psychology of philosophy
of anything that sets the mind free
flavored with possible journaling

lastly the prep of what is to come
where will direction come from?
how will challenges be approached?
can today be the best that I could invoke?

Ready for work,
my 9-5 starts at 8, after 4 hours of prep
Yep, escaping is no longer interesting
I’d rather get deep into relating and connecting
there is no where to run and no where to hide
Coming alive, finding stride, picking up others when going by

The Distinct Circles take Shape

The circles have become more distinct
Chaos and Order
feelings and how to think
to move forward, sometimes we must retreat
to move past lust, sometimes we need to trust in defeat

Powerlessness takes a seat
next to the hope we keep, hidden deep
brought to light
money can’t buy recovery’s fight
neither ought we take this to spite
but in respite we might find the spirit right

The heights and lows would compose
our matrix of columns and rows
a journey from the camp light’s glow
Memory must resonate from the past
but only enough so we may participate in the present’s path

As the future beckons to the water
with paddles and a raft
the usual becomes discomfort
in being more capable of satiating hunger

Close conversations between a sponsor and a sponsee
spawning the beautiful fruit
of the truth that will set us free

Who knew what we could be?
Changing attitude, belief or identity
be free and happy in serenity
take a moment to capture this in memory
maintenance requires the constant energy,
in the present tense to take reality seriously
the beauty of dreams is things don’t need to be as they seem
-indefinitely

From Shame to Grace
lifting eyes to their proper place
My fellowship knows these pains and aches
brief moments to the sustained strain of mistakes
substance of a higher power is what it takes
finding new ways to make pleasure out of taste

This endeavor might take forever
but it wouldn’t be a waste
My sisters and brothers keep my faith
whispers soft enough to stay safe
these distinct circles lay out the tape
Chaos and Order
feelings and thoughts
that we love and hate
The distinct circles take shape

Fading to Pain

Suffering has been so regular
I am pretty sure they know my order

Disorder and chaos
big brothers that watch my cross to bare
dig deeper than the hole that could fit my soul’s stare

Hold this patience with care
where you look for the beloved
beware of being aware of the summit
it too has a valley
I never took time to enjoy being empty
until I realized I cannot be constantly filling

Money, Career and Education
have all faded back behind my spiritual participation
nay
my spiritual obligation
if I cannot be fit to exist
then why try to see where else can I benefit

fists balled up in rage
opened to calm palms that turn a page
Tomorrow is today
The universe is always beginning now
where allowed
value all the you can endow
how bout letting it out with a growl

sleep with ease young child
count your breathes and see what else can be left
love is an unknown depth

Vulnerability

2 years of exploration into the depths of the human soul

The first time I sat in the room I felt like a snail without a shell
someone who had crawled out from under a rock
I was scared of my own shadow
Sitting still wasn’t something I was familiar with

There were 12 steps written on the walls
There were smiling faces of people who were happy
I didn’t understand how they could not be suffering like I was

years later I see their faces of courage
in my lap is a piece of notebook paper covered with writing
The entire page is filled from an hour of scribbling

The page contains my life
well, it contains my life in regards to suffering
in regards to addiction

I opened the meeting with promises met
followed by a series of nasty habits that have concluded

Then I started at the beginning
vulnerability of the ultimate truth in my experience
Strength and hope were my intention

Heart break, bail bondsmen and lawyers
hospitals, rehab and homelessness

depression, anxiety, insanity, insecurity

vulnerability

until recovery

Daily phone calls, meetings, literature reading
exploration of the soul
restoration of the whole
dedication to the goal.

By the time I was done
this burden has been lifted
vulnerability has allowed me to be gifted
to fear nothing that has ever existed

There still is the unknown but I wake up everyday
the face this with courage

Life never felt so good

I don’t remember feeling this way
every morning and night, every day
It’s strange, how the strain on my brain has been lifted
The present has become a gift that bring uniqueness

I never got this high on drugs consistently
there was always a perpetual drop as was its propensity
now there is love and beauty in every second of existence’s intensity,

People call me, we talk recovery
we talk of spiritual malady,
we take stock of the daily insanity
and bring compassion to reality with a remedy

I wake before the alarm,
the cool calm streets are charming
my small empty garden is calling for farming
the leaves need sweeping
I grieve for the beloved’s teachings

For a thousand years I have been knocking
only to find I was knocking from the inside
The design is to hold everything inside
The plan is to break out of doubt to clarity

The Buddhist say the mind is not a mirror that needs cleaning
it is essentially void and pure so how could dust be collecting?

never before have I felt power get much higher
sever the separation of pleasure and desire
water, earth, wind and fire
with this energy how could we tire?
pry the will open like a fence with barbwire
This serenity can be acquired
by wearing an entire attire as an amplifier

Recovery

Spent 10 years living in doubt and fear
addicted to one or another
finally feeling free as water out the gutter
making small ponds into bigger rivers, bigger desires
mother didn’t raise no sucker
father gave us style, so smiling smooth as butter
the old years cannot be recovered

so basically starting over
rediscovering what is left, all together
my brother won’t see eye to eye
so he says ‘leave’ before I can say goodbye
at least inside I can say I tried

True friends understand to the core
even when changing your behavior
those that can’t feel your vibe anymore
may not be what your stride is looking for
therefore, parting ways is heavy hearts and long days

Clarity, from out the cloudy haze is a maze thing
it takes directions to make progression a well spring

everyday is a count down to anything and everything
sober weeks looks for years to speak with wings
moreover
new skills, few techniques can raise weak will
as high as the peaks that now are despised as a disguise
for the lows compose the other side we would deny unjustified

realizing how to recognize and standardize our special eyes
especially when trying specialize in staying wise to the lies
Recovery is how we optimize in otherwise